I Hate Driving

So as I'm on my way home from Iraq via bicycle with Max, I come upon a house owned by my parents' old friends. My whole family is there as well as a bunch of people I've never met. They are all incredibly excited to see me. My mom and dad want to show me a surprise gift they bought for me. They take me to the garage and open it. Inside is a silver vehicle of some sort. It looks like an Apache attack helicopter on wheels. It has big metal letters on the front in a language I don't understand. The glass on the vehicle was in big, puzzle-shaped pieces. I'm assuming it was supposed to make it look modern. It looks like it fits 2 people. I am confused. My parents boast that they spent $20,000 on it. They want to take me for a spin. So, I get in. I admit to them that I already have a car and really, really don't need or necessarily like this one. My dad tries to explain that he can speed up the payments (as if that was supposed to make me feel better?).

As we drive around the city, people are staring. This is not a vehicle they have seen before either. We arrive back at the house and I am sad. I don't want this vehicle. By this time, the vehicle is no longer silver but black, green, and tan instead--like a military helicopter. Ugh. I really hated it. By now, we've aquired a Mexican dude who apparently is an expert on this vehicle and he speaks little English (my dad is translating). He says I need to learn to love the vehicle. Whatever.

When I get my turn behind the wheel, there is cardboard blocking the windshield and I cannot see anywhere except my left mirror and left window. I am very nervous driving this hunk of junk. I am driving down a muddy, puddle-ridden street. It is downhill and I'm going a bit faster than I'm comfortable with.

The End.

Next time I'm going to ask my parents for a BMW.

Samson?

After returning from the movies, my husband, Max, and I were back in our home (looked more like my CHU). I suddenly noticed that his hair was long, past his shoulders and very blonde. The ends were dyed different shades of blonde from bleach to obnoxious. The hair also looked as if it hadn't been combed in weeks. It was terrible!! I asked him to cut it immediately. He looked horrified!

Suddenly, a nurse who works with me at the hospital shows up and explains to me that when I asked Max to cut his hair it was as if I had stabbed him in the gut. What?!

Soooo.... weird or what?!

Jessica Biel?

Me, Max, Amara, Dianne, and Jessica Biel were celebrating Cinqo de Mayo in San Antonio, TX. Max and Jessica were blatantly flirting in front of me. We caught a movie, did some shopping, and finally ended up in a booth outside on the Riverwalk. I was so annoyed with their playful touching, and ridiculous laughter that I laid down the law. I said that I was going to start drinking and I told them not to flirt with each other. I had to talk to them like children. OOH! I was sooooooooo mad!

Then I got "called in" to work with my unit. We had to go on some mission. We ended up getting fired upon and I killed two Iraqis. When we returned to our base, I had to explain why I used my ammo. I was bewildered. Why give me ammo if I'm not supposed to use it?? Anyways, they "forgave" me and I was sent back to my life.

Instead of returning to my Cinqo de Mayo "fun", I went with a group of my buddies to what I can only describe as my childhood neighborhood. We found a little grassy area and began to paint. Our paint was actually sidewalk chalk that we found on the ground but when we put it to our canvases, it turned into oil paint. Interesting. The supervisor of this exercise came over to look at mine, I had just put my finishing coat of lip gloss over the entire canvas (?) and I was done. He said it was very well done. I didn't care much for mine, I was too curious as to what my friend next to me was painting (he wouldn't let me see).

Jungle Veins?

I was walking on a path through the jungle. There was someone with me, walking behind me--a friend perhaps, but I couldn't tell you who it was. There were cats in the trees, the water, and on the ground. A few were friendly enough to come up and let me pet them.

I am in my "living room" trying to talk to my little sister, Dianne, about spider veins. My mom will not leave (she's too excited) us alone to talk. I was getting seriously irritated and I finally exploded and made my mom leave. She does.

Super weird.

I Need Caffeine!

I went into the breakroom at work and looked for some coffee to steal. I wanted ground coffee but I'd settle for whole beans. Everytime I picked up a bag it turned into something else (similar to my shopping dreams). One time the bag turned into popcorn, another time it was tea bags. I gave up.

My "boyfriend" had proposed to me, so I thought, and I wore my two rings around my neck on a necklace. The girl he had actually proposed to needed the rings and I didn't want to give them up. I kept delaying and delaying until I couldn't any longer. I gave them to her but I was so sad. I wanted those pretty little things!

I Am Only One Girl With One Million Dresses

In the gift shop of the museum, I chose the right lane. It apparently had more girly items. I found the stationery section and really didn't like anything it had to offer. I came upon the huge warehouse section and it was all dresses!! There were hundreds of different dresses along with tons of girls trying to find their favorite. I had to act quickly if I was going to nab the one I wanted most. Unfortunately, every time I found one I liked it was either way too big or it changed by the time I got close enough to touch it. (This is a recurring theme in my shopping dreams) After searching for what seemed like hours, I had only found a small box of letter seals that I wanted. They were little, silver hearts and I believe they were adhesive. Anyhow, on my way out I saw a dress on a rack that was great! I grabbed it and before I was ten feet from there, I was wearing it under my other clothes. I am so sneaky! Well, the security guards thought I was trying to steal it (silly people) and so I told them I was pregnant and that was why I had to wear the dress under my clothes to the dressing room. Suckers.

Going Home, Part One

I am at "Jacque's" house. "Jacque" is a blonde that I have never seen in my life and she is showing me her wedding album. It is a top secret wedding album because she had a joint ceremony with a celebrity and the media have been trying to get their hands on it. The celebrity was Katie Holmes, although she had long hair and I didn't see who SHE was marrying. Then I had to use the restroom but I couldn't close the door. The door had three parts: an upper part, a lower part, and a "screen". Unless you closed all three, you could still see out. I just gave up. Then "Jacque" came in and was offering to give me all kinds of hair products. I had a suspicion that they didn't belong to her, so I didn't take any. Then I left.

I went to a large German-style beer hall to meet up with my friends. I couldn't find them anywhere but I did find the pay phone. The pay phone had about $20 in change next to it--kind of like the 'take a penny, leave a penny' dish at the gas station. So, I couldn't find my friends and I leave again.

Now I am on a bus with the people from my unit headed to my old high school. They drop us off in the parking lot and we proceed to take a lot of "goodbye" pictures. We are apparently "coming home" from Iraq but there are no family or friends to greet us. The bus with the people from Tikrit shows up and we all cheer! We all hug and reunite.

The End because I had to pee.